It's the millions of moments over years that drip into the bucket of their lives. It's the constant stream of unconsciousness that sets in motion the beliefs they have.
The direct conversations we have with them,
the simple concepts we share with them...
these are the things that are their apprenticeship into adulthood.
I reflect on the apprenticeship my husband and I had before we married. We laugh as we think of the 20+ years of learning different behaviors and responses we each brought to our marriage. We were both raised in Christian homes, yet our philosophies and responses to each new activity in life was so different. We learned so much about each other and even more about ourselves that first year of marriage. (I learned how selfish I was.)
We continue to learn more about each other every year.
But do you think about the best apprenticeship for our daughters to grow into Godly women?
Each moment. Each day. Each breath can be a way to send them in the right direction.
And each time we fail to reach the goal we have set for ourselves is a gift to begin again the next time.
So what have we used in this household?
You can see my post about what I use for books with younger girls here.
We spend much time studying the lives of godly people. Persons as diverse as Maria Goretti to Elisabeth Eliot to Ruth from the Bible. We spend much time reading books which integrate our whole persons with our whole Faith.
The most meaningful conversations I have with my girls are those conversations we don't have. The 'conversations' of the way I act and what I say to others that they hear and see each day. My actions speak LOUDER than my words. But that doesn't mean we don't have intentional conversations. We do. Often.
Both my 11 year old and 13 year old are in Mother-Daughter Book groups that I organized. We meet monthly with like minded mothers and daughters to talk through the changes and graces given them as they grow through these tween and teen years.
Some of the texts which we have found helpful: (these are in order to which we have read them)
Beautiful Girlhood revised by Karen Andreola
Joyful Mysteries of Life for Children
Before you Meet Prince Charming by Sarah Malley
I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris
Purity is not just sexual purity, but rather keeping all parts of us pure. Creating screens in which to filter all around what we hear, see and do is important. Keeping our hearts pure means putting virtue in and continuing to grow it. Keeping our minds pure from watching things that might pollute our hearts means being vigilant about everything we see on screens or read.
I'm a stickler at what I let my kids watch on screens. I took to heart the Academy of Pediatrics recommendations to not let children under 2 watch any TV at all. (It's really hard with baby #6!) The only TV that my children watch is PBS and that's only on Saturday mornings. If there is anything else on PBS that they want to see we wait until mom has previewed it and then watch it on a DVD...sometimes months or years later.
Recently I have been letting my oldest daughter watch a PBS series with me. We tend to only watch it through the PBS.org as we never have all the other children bedded down in time to watch it "live". It's been a way for us to connect and have even more discussions!
I keep a limit on computer time and it's always in a main room of our house were others are watching every move the child makes. (no computers, ipads or tv's allowed in bedrooms!)
Always pursuing virtue and finding an intentional beginning.
In our family, we use the Passport to Purity as a beginning of the intentional conversation about changes on the horizon. Because we have been blessed with many children, we have had multitudes of conversations about conception, life and changing bodies. This weekend retreat is a one-on-one time with mother and daughter to start the conversation that will intensify over the next 6-8 years.
The weekends I have spent with my two oldest daughters individually have been blessed times. We do the activities recommended by the Raineys on the CDs. Enjoy some personal time and quiet time together both at Mass and beside a pool. We enjoy a simple meals together and also a fancy dinner with daddy at the end of the weekend. I choose to do these weekends close to home, yet away, so as to create a distinction from the conversations we have with brothers and sisters within the home.
This is also a time that I institute a Mother-Daughter notebook. This is a simple spiral notebook in which we have a two way conversation on paper. When I have something to share or something difficult to say, I write it all down and put the notebook under her pillow. She then has possession of the notebook until she sees fit to return it under my pillow with her own thoughts recorded on the next page. It's a blessing to look back through our notebooks and see how my daughters have grown in their thought processes over the years.
Clothing IS non verbal communication.
Have you seen this fun Truth or Bare facts?
Dana Greesh has some great ideas about modesty and girls. They have been very helpful. Her books for moms about ways to talk with daughters might be helpful for persons who want to change the tone in their household to more openness.
I want the desire to dress modesty to come from within the heart of my daughters, not from exterior rewards or punishments. I want them to look beautiful yet not attracting the wrong kind of attention.
I often see my daughters challenging each other on the way they dress. They have encouraged my husband to consider their dress as well. When the tone comes from the child upwards, there seems to be less tension. When I demand a certain way of dressing, it becomes authoritarian and breaks down communication between us.
I remember one year when my oldest daughter was 11 or 12. I had been out of town in the winter and found a delightful store of expensive dresses having a sale. The dresses were all smocked and ruffled. They were just the most modest delightful dresses. So I bought one and saved it for Easter.
When Easter rolled around, my daughters taste in clothes had changed. She wanted to look more grown up and a smocked dress did not suit her tastes anymore. My mind had dollar signs in it. Hers did not. Did she wear the dress? She did. But not happily. And took it off as soon as we arrived home from church. The dress was never worn again by her.
It took me some time to repair the stress I caused by making her wear it. Thankfully with other daughters in this family, it has been worn again. And the maturity level of my other daughter isn't quite the same so she thought smocking was wonderful! But I learned a good lesson here. What I desire most is connection and openness with my children. Forcing a dress to be worn did not encourage positive communication.
As I reflect on the moments left to intentionally impact my children towards God's goodness, my emotions are mixed with horror at what little time is left and the joy of growth I have seen in them. I know I can influence them for good, yet it will be their decision to choose to follow God's plan or to walk their own road. I pray for my daughters each day that the blank page of their lives, waiting to be written, will be in line with the plan of God.
Do you consider ways to be more intentional about helping your daughters (or sons!) intro growing who God wants them to be?