Parents are Peacemakers

At the Charlotte Mason Institute Eastern 2018 conference, I was pleased to purchase several copies of Parents Are Peacemakers reprint.  This booklet was discussion notes to be used for six group meetings on Peace.  I found the notes to be very eye opening and began to think how they could be used in my local group.

At our November 2018 book meeting, I mentioned that I had read and taken notes from this booklet and was considering a parent group to meet and discuss these topics.  There was an enthusiastic response.  I had already partnered with one couple to beginning meeting in January.  Now we had six more couples that would join us.

I have felt a disconnect for many of the dads in my local CM community.  They seem to shy away from discussions about Charlotte Mason.  I wanted them to feel just as confident as dads who have been reading the Volumes for years.  I wanted them to embrace the ideas in her books and share their hopes and wishes in making this philosophy a pillar of their lifestyle.

Would couples learning and reading provide a jumping off place them?  We have a local book group of 20-40 ladies who read the volumes together.  My husband seems to be the only dad who attends on occasion. There are a few other dads that show up from time to time.  It's difficult to get a babysitter for both parents, but what if that could happen what a lively sharing there could be.

Getting away when you have little children is difficult.  Being able to have the flexibility to join in book reading and discussions takes a lot of time. Would the benefits outweigh the burden of finding childcare?

How could we achieve a discussion group with dads involved? 
Here were my hopes:
Having a designated beginning and ending of the discussions seemed to make it more achievable.  Six sessions.  Once every three weeks.  Accomplished in a little over three months.

We kept fairly well to a time schedule so as to respect babysitters and time commitments.  We structured it to begin right after dinner on Friday nights. This allowed couples to have a date night before if possible and still arrive home at a timely hour.

Picture of one night of discussions

What was the outcome?  8 couples agreed to the meetings.  We tended to have six as the average attendance.  It was light hearted.  We laughed a lot.  We also had some great times at realizing our areas of change and what we needed to accomplish for growth.  Our hearts of caring for our children were enlarged. The encouragement shared between husbands was so comforting.  I think the pressure on dads is greater than we realize.  Our discussions were held at one of two homes.   It warmed the hearts during the cold Illinois winter months.

Think your community would like to host these discussions?  Here are some notes I made from the sessions.  I included a picture study each time.  It was my hope that the families would hang the picture in a place as a reminder of the goals and discussion that had followed the reading.  We usually began with a volunteer to begin our time with prayer.  I had a formal prayer or Bible verse to end our time together.

You are most welcome to use these notes to accomplish a couples or mother discussion in your area. If your community completes this, please let me know about your success!

Reflecting on the Living Education Retreat

How does one reflect on a retreat centered around the theme of Simplicity?

By writing very little.  By not thinking of ones self.  At all.

So there you have it.

What you want more?

I had a delightful time rekindling the friendships from years past.  Germinating new friendships that are guaranteed to last.  Seeing new beauty in poetry and art and music.  And breathing deep the fresh lake smells.

Do you need more?  Less about me.  And more about what it's like to be at the Living Education Retreat?

but WHY?  I wonder.


Nancy Kelly and her tight group of friends have been rocking a retreat (NOT A CONFERENCE) for the past 12 years.  I have been blessed to attend for nearly half that time.  It took me nearly six years to think I could afford the time, money and space to attend.  And I have been dragging bringing my husband along for the past three years.

So that gives you a pause right there.  A couples retreat?  wow.  Yes.  A chance for families who use a Charlotte Mason approach to send BOTH parents off to find silence, space and encouragement far out on the prairie.

I think the LER (Living Education Retreat) specializes in interesting spaces.  This year (same as last year) we met at church conference center on Lake Okaboji.  The space was teaming with wild life and WILD life.  For many persons find this expansive lake to be good for boating.

The LER also focuses on facilitating friendships.  I find that the iron of others sharpens the iron in my life.  (Or maybe rock tumbler is a better analogy?)  I get encouraged to know why I say I believe what I do.

I get inspired to try and adhere even more to a Charlotte Mason approach.  I am forced to slow down and to hear the voice of God in the silence.

This year I brought two of my children.  They relished in the slower time.  They grew friendships.  I enjoyed simple times with them.  Walks.  Canoe rides. Morning prayer.  

And in simplicity I was reminded why we do this.

Ways to Bond with your baby before they are born (repost from Catholic Attachment Parenting blog)

waiting for the birth of 5th baby!! 

Photo copyright Marcia Mattern

We often think of bonding with baby after they are born….but we can begin even earlier!

A Catholic couple prepares for childbirth by embracing their mutual fertility and welcoming children consciously with God’s gift of life.

Before Conception:

Systematic observations of fertility (tracking the wife’s basal temperature and cervical mucus) allow a couple to see a woman’s natural signs of fertility.  With this knowledge, the couple can make responsible choices of spacing birth.  There are many good choices for Natural Family Planning (NFP) such as Creighton, Couple to Couple League, and Northwest.

Even before conceiving a new life, parents may ask God to intercede in the growth and health of the developing child.  Mothers traditionally ask for the intercession of  St. Gerard  and St. Margaret of Antioch  regarding conception and pregnancy.

In times of difficulty in conceiving, spouses welcome more education and instruction to comply completely with the requirements of our Catholic Faith.  For these couples, welcoming a new life through spiritual adoption is a comfort and a blessing.

Newly Expecting:  

Upon conception, parents can find peace in receiving a blessing upon the new life.  In 2012, the United States Bishops released a prayer which parents may ask for by their priest:  Rite-for-the-Blessing-of-a-Child-in-the-Womb.

Some Catholic parents find passages from the Holy Bible to give them comfort during pregnancy.  We can find several passages that show the amazing power of God in taking part in creating the life in the womb of the Mother.  Psalm 139:13 might be the most well know passage “You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb”.

Other passages supporting God’s handiwork include: Wisdom 7:1, Ecclesiastes 11:5 and Job 1:21.

Preparing for Birth:  

Parents may wish to take childbirth classes to educate themselves about this new gift of life.  Reading books and watching videos about different options for birth help the parents prepare for the labor and delivery.

Exercise and healthy eating during the time before conception as well as during pregnancy increase the chances of a healthy mom and child.

Some parents find connecting with other parents who have similar values can give support during pregnancy and childbirth. Parishes may offer ministries especially for pregnant women such as Elizabeth Ministry .

Choosing a health care provider who embraces the Catholic teachings regarding fertility is often high on the list for expecting Catholic couples.  One More Soul  offers a long listing of providers in the United States as well as options for Natural Family Planning.

The companions a couple invites to their child’s birth can increase chances for a calm and natural birth.  Increasing numbers of couples are choosing a doula  to accompany them during labor and delivery.  A doula is a non-medical support person trained to support the mother and spouse during the pregnancy, labor, delivery and postpartum period.

Preparing Older Siblings:  

Read books to older siblings about their new baby. Photo copyright Marcia Mattern

Bonding with baby takes on a twist when the second and successive pregnancies come along!

An attached parent melts the other children’s heart by helping the other children welcome siblings joyfully.  The Blessed Pope John Paul II even exhorted the faithful that a sibling was the greatest gift parents could give a child.  The other children learn self giving and to embrace the uniqueness of each unrepeatable person when they welcome a sibling.

Reading books and watching child focused videos with your children can help them bond with the new life growing as well.  Tell your children their own birth story.  As developmentally appropriate, parents can share with their children the wonder of God’s creation of man and the wide depth of how as Catholics we see the Theology of the Body.

I personally recommend Angel in the Waters by Regina Doman and My Mom Is Having a Baby by Dorri Miller.  Parts of the Business of Being Born DVD by Abby Epstein and/or Gentle Birth DVD by Barbara Harper would allow some visualization of the birthing process for children as parents see fit.  Please preview these before determining if they are good for sharing with your children.

Photo copyright Marcia Mattern.

References:

John Paul II’s letter to Families 1994

John Paul II’s letter to the US upon his first visit in 1979

Familiaris Consortio (On the role of the Christian Family in the Modern World)

General audience talks on Theology of the Body

Wow. That was short.

Yes.  These are all timers.  

You just can't have too many ways to mark the time with six kids.

They help me (the mother) develop in my students the habit of attention.  

Charlotte Mason encouraged joy and ease at every turn.  

That means we need SHORT LESSONS!  And what a fun way to make sure it's short.

We need to keep the important and exciting parts moving.  

And leave plenty of room for when we don't use the timers.  

You know, we don't need the timers when we are out on a nature hike.  

We won't use them when we bake a cake or count to one hundred.  

Who needs a timer when you read one poem? 

 Or look at one amazing painting? 

By all means, remove the timers when you've gotten into the meat of your favorite handcraft in the afternoon.

So remember:  

Let's use the timers to keep our reading aloud to 20 minutes or less.  

Let's use a timer for a quick 7 minute written narration when we are just now 10 years old.  

Let's use a timer to see if we can shorten the time it takes to do our chores.  

Let's use the timer to keep our math lessons to 20 minutes or less.  

Let's use a timer to find a way to be focused in prayer.  

And please let me stay with this hard book just for 10 minutes and come back later in the day for another 10.  

And by all means (please mom) can we use a timer to keep our quiet time to a quick 60 minutes.  

Fostering a prayer life in children

On a recent visit with a spiritual director, he asked me straight out "how to you teach your children how to pray?"

I sat for a second with a stone face and then realized all the many things we do.

Mass is very long prayer time filled with many prayers.  We try to spend one weekday morning at church to participate in the liturgy. We attend weekend Mass together.  My children participate in different ways based on their ages.  I have two teenagers that lector, one of my sons serves at the altar.  I also have some kids who like to wrestle me and each other.  It makes for a lively time for me.

I've made a rosary box that gets a lot of use.  It's a way of giving the children something tangible to hold and look at for each mystery.  It helps to ground them into the moment.  {I personally find the rosary to be a practice of focus for myself!}

We do the stations of the cross all times of the year.  I also have a box to hold an item for each station.  We do so much like to do the stations with the small candles that are extinguished as we finish each one.

I have an area that is specific for personal prayer and family prayer.  We call it a prayer corner, but it's more of a wall facing east in this new house.  We have compline in the evening together as a family here.  We've also added a little reading from the Catechism each night as suggested.

We've taught our children how to use the Jesus Prayer and the Divine Mercy Prayer.  Did you know there are even Apps for these?  I'm pretty low media in this house, but there are times when I let my kids use an App to help them follow their place with these.

I gave a talk about fostering prayer in children at a local churches moms group...It is good to re-read this.  It takes a little bit of time for a habit to be lost.  It's great to be reminded of what we hope for and want to do with and for our children.

But what is the best practice of all?  Making time for silence in the midst of a child's daily chaos.  Our American lives create some much noise.  How can we ever hear the voice of the Shepherd?  There must be times in the day carved out for quiet.   I have sand timers that we use often.  I keep a 7 minute timer near the prayer corner.  A child can use it to keep their body still and quiet for 7 minutes.  For the younger children, I have a 1 minute timer.  (you've got to start somewhere!)

My children over the age of 8 have weekly sheets that tell them what lessons to accomplish on their own each day.  I include a "quiet time with Jesus" on each of their lists.  What they do during that time is very flexible and open for them.  I try to have taught them a variety of personal prayer styles to allow them to grow their own relationship with God.

I keep many books rotating in the prayer area.  Some that I have found especially helpful to my children are:

The Children's Illustrated Bible

The Jesus StoryBible.

A is for Altar, B is for Bible

An Alphabet of Catholic Saints 

The monk who grew prayer 

The Praises

The Jesus Prayer and Me. (not sold by Amazon...link here)

Discloser: When you click on one of these books and buy, Amazon rewards me with a small kick back.  Thank you.  I hope you enjoy the books as much as we do.  

AND modeling is very important.  Do your children see you praying and want to join you?  Have they observed you quietly making the sign of the cross before you begin an activity?  Do they hear you participate in the liturgy?  Have they joined you in praying the Divine Mercy chaplet at 3pm?  Have they seen you initiate meal prayers?  

And that, Father J-T, is how I foster prayer life in my children!  

Connection Parenting

I've been reading about being a better parent for many years.  And it's a growing process.  

I found Pam Leo to be a great teacher of what I find as a very loving way to guide parents to being the best of themselves.  I see her ways of suggestion to be in line with what I already believe.  

Children are born persons.  

Children and everyone we meet are images of God.  We should treat them so.

Everything people do, everything children do, is a communication of a need or an unmet need.  

We can help people feel better by treating them better.  

All people want to connect.  Reaching them on their level, trying to understand what they want, listening (without any media distractions) will help us know what they are trying to communicate.

How are you connecting with your child today?  

I'm going to be doing labor outside with my son.  

I know that boys connect more over an activity 

(at least the very tom boys that live in my house!)  

Children's Liturgy

I attend a church that is family friendly.
Children do not attend children's church or children's connecting time.
They do not leave to cry in a cry room.  (they cry in the pew, thank you very much)
It's about being in church with your children and parenting them the whole time you desperately try to listen.

Today I listened as best as I could.  It was double joyful as the children in the 5th and 6th grades were the lectors and servers and gift bearers and offering taker-uppers.  It was VERY family friendly today.

And when the darling fifth grade child (thank God it wasn't my child) read the Psalm for today it was classic.

Have you read Psalm 40 in the second week of Ordinary time in cycle B???

It sounded like this.

Sacrifice or offering you wished not,
but ears open to obedience you gave me.
Podcasts or sin-offerings you sought not;
then said I, “Behold I come.”

Did you catch it?  I think perhaps it was the Holy Spirit guiding the child's word choice?  Perhaps I will work towards more quiet this week and listen more to the quiet and less to the podcasts.  

Ready for school...

People say that you can find the school supplies in the stores now.  I see people posting on Facebook about the days left of summer.  I hear people shopping for their school needs.  I got the HUGE Rainbow Resource catalog in the mail.

School is coming.  Summer has slipped away.  So as others prepare I have begun to evaluate what I need for a school year to seem successful.

Do we need new crayons?  What books should we buy?  How many new pairs of shoes?  Any new school clothes?

Perhaps that isn't what is necessary.  Those are all just nice to have.  What is need for a good school year?

A contrite heart is on my mind.  When I am open to the Holy Spirit, I learn more.  My children teach me.


Psalm 51:17  Lord, you will open my lips;

and my mouth will proclaim your praise.  

For you do not desire sacrifice^* or I would give it;

a burnt offering you would not accept.

My sacrifice, O God, is a contrite spirit;

a contrite, humbled heart, O God, you will not scorn.

to be continued...

Grace to Do nothing

That's it.

YES.

Our school is out for summer.  What classes have you signed your kids up for?

None, I say.  What?  

  

I remember as a child what seemed like an endless stream of days waiting for me.  

With nothing planned.  

We could read a book.  From cover to cover.  Or even two.  We could stay up late under our covers reading to the very end.  

It was nights of friendship times. Days and nights of running through the neighborhood.  Turning over every leaf.  Knowing what was happening in every yard.

Or riding my bike.  

The whole day.  Finding the best ramps.  The quickest way to the boggy pond full of frogs down the road.  

We had time.  Time to discover.  And I want that for my kids too.    

But in this fast pace society it seems the summer just means more classes, more running, more activities.  So I'm pushing back.  

NO.

We aren't taking swimming lessons.  We are just going to swim for fun.  

We aren't taking ball lessons.  We'll make our own pick up game in the back yard.  

We won't be taking a vacation in the summer.  (We will save that for when the schools start up again.) 

We are not volunteering at a local garden.  Let's see what we can grown in our own yard.    

We aren't going to take music lessons.  We will play at church, on the deck and at friends house.  Can you make it over for an impromptu jam session?

We won't be taking archery lessons.  I want to shoot clay pigeons at the neighbors.  

We will not be taking art lessons.  Let's do a nature walk and dry brush in the pasture. 

Join us.  

So let's get back to being bored on a summer day.  Bored enough that we build a tree house.  Let's leave time for creativity. Do make that outfit you have been planning.  Do more, by planning less.  

Let's find the quietness and stillness of sitting still or running in the woods.  One day we might want to wander up to church for a quiet hour.  We've got the time to build a bonfire and revel in it's beauty. The endless days of summer have begun.  I'm going to drink them in.  

I believe that these darling kids will remember the summer we did "nothing".  It's going to be a full one.  I plan to laugh more.  Say "Yes" more. And see the beauty all around us.    

And a little song that's on my mind today.  

And the lyrics in case you can't understand her.  

Slow down, hold still
It's not as if it's a matter of will
Someone's circling, someone's moving
A little lower than the angels

And it's got nothing to do with me
The wind blows through the trees
But if I look for it, it won't come
I tense up, my mind goes numb

There's nothing harder
Than learning how to receive

Calm down, be still
We've got plenty of time to kill
No hand writing on the wall
Just the voice that's in us all

And you're whispering to me
Time to get up off my hands and knees
'Cause if I beg for it, it won't come
I find nothing but table crumbs

My hands are empty
God, I've been naive

All I need is everything
Inside, outside, feel new skin
All I need is everything
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again

Slow down, hold still
It's not as if it's a matter of will
Someone's circling, someone's moving
A little lower than the angels

This voice calling me to you
It's just barely coming through
Still, I clearly hear my name
I've been fingering the flame

Like tomorrow's martyr
It gets harder to believe

All I need is everything
Inside, outside, feel new skin
All I need is everything
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again

So from now till kingdom come
Taste the words on the tip of my tongue
'Cause we can't run truth out of town
Only force it underground

The roots grow deeper
In ways we can't conceive

All I need is everything
Inside, outside feel new skin
All I need is everything
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again

All I need is, all I need
All I need, all I need is
All I need is, all need
All I need, all I need is
All I need

Blah, blah, blah

I think my mother or my grandmother used to say "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

I've been in that mode lately.  Being quiet because things can just be negative sometimes.

Like a baby who runs a temp of 102 for three days and then shows the four teeth he's broke through and breaks out in a rash over his entire body.  

Like a teenager who has a gazillion projects in process and needs help with them.  

Like kids who seem to forget that we have animals and ignore their responsibilties.  

Like a husband who has to work three days in a vacation week.

Yeah,  Never mind.  It's just normal around here.

I'm a little sad that I just don't take the time to blog as much anymore.  But to tell the truth we are getting a LOT of school completed.  Unfortunately it's taking me most of the day to complete things with the older kids.  So perhaps I'll catch up to all the cool things we've been doing some day.

And since we are in the middle of fasting for that awesome Feast of our Lord's birth coming up...pray for me!

talk notes...

talk notes from today's presentation to a young moms group at a local parish:

I'd like to encourage you all in living our primary goal as parents, as mothers.

To help those in our home turn their hearts and minds toward God.

What is the avenue in which we connect with our God?  Prayer.  This prayer is both a preparation and a vehicle for arriving at the great prayer of thanksgiving:  The Mass or Eucharist.  Pope John Paul II in his 1994 letter to families said that parents are the primary educators of the faith to their children.  Already before a child begins school or pre-school, they have begun to have a relationship with God.  And we can help nurture that at home.  This supports, rather than diminishes, the benefit of taking them to weekly (or daily) Mass.

All peoples of religion offer prayer, but as Christians we pray through Jesus Christ.  This mystery of knowing God in prayer is a way of God revealing more of himself to us.  "Unless you become like a little child you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:3)

How does a child approach prayer?

What is an adult's role in assisting a child into this mystery of prayer?

Prayer, after all, is a personal response to God.  We each differ in the ways that we pray.  We, as adults, should not presume to teach a child to pray.  The only words that Jesus offered us is the Lord's Prayer.  And that was in teaching adults!

When the Holy Spirit is indwelt in the child at their baptism, their life of prayer has begun.  How can we respect that interior life?  By creating the atmosphere for it to flourish.

Matthew 19:13 says " Then little children were being brought to him in order that he might lay his hands on them and pray.  The disciples spoke sternly to those who brought them; but Jesus said:' Let the little children come to me and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of heaven belongs.' And he laid his hands on them and went on his way."

We do know that there are specific ways to adjust the atmosphere to encourage prayer.

A British educator named Charlotte Mason suggested that learning (and I'm speaking specifically to learning to pray) takes atmosphere, discipline and life.  Atmosphere and discipline are the ways we as adults can make the environment for children.  Life is their job.  We set the foundation and then they take it over as they grow.

Let's take a look at atmosphere.  A child is very much capable of silence and contemplation.  If you haven't experienced children's adoration, I highly recommend it!  It's amazing to see children of 2 or 3 years of age sitting for periods of silence with the Sisters of St. John.  Or my own observations in the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd where children sit for prayer, for personal work and prayer.  

But does prayer only have to be nurtured at church or religious formation?  No.  You can create an atmosphere for a child's prayer in your own home.

Having a quiet space in the home.  Away from the toys. Turn off the TV.
(can you pray with the TV on?)

An environment of prayer begins at birth!

Really?      Yes!

How?  Here are some ideas to try:

Hang religious images where the child can see them while in your arms, while nursing, when waking from a nap.  This can lift their minds to things of above.

Use your own personal gestures of prayer SLOWLY.  Make the sign of the cross with purpose (don't be sloppy).  Perhaps use three finger tips rather than your whole hand/ all finger tips.  Genuflect slowly and deliberately. Spend time on your knees at home.

Give evening blessings with a cross on the children's heads or with holy water.  Let the children give you an evening blessing.

Use prayers, hymns/songs that are acquainted with the Liturgical Time of the year.  (like Come Holy Spirit around Pentecost, Come Though Expected Jesus during Advent)  Let music be heard often in your home.

Have a prayer space for the children or for the whole family.  Place simple "prayer helps" in this area such as a rosary, a crucifix, saint peg dolls or other touchable things for children.

Take the child to Mass at a young age and take them often!  If one hour is too long for them to sit, then go to daily mass as well.  This begins the process to help them attain the habit of sitting still and keeping their attention forward.

Read the daily readings ahead of time for the Mass aloud.  (this also helps for the Moms that miss hearing all the readings due to helping the children sit still!)

Practice a Liturgy of the Hours at home.  Pray upon rising, and sitting, eating and sleeping!

Rosary.  Perhaps a decade with each meal and one with bedtime and teeth brushing.

We reverence the Holy Spirit living in the child when we acknowledge their independence in their choices.  We give them two or three great choices and then allow them to choose.

Example:  Want to pray sitting down or standing up?  Will we pray the Our Father or sing the Hail Mary?

Jesus revealed himself to a little child in the gospels.  He reveals himself to us as adults.  We need to acknowledge that the child has the Holy Spirit working in their life just like we do!

The Catechesis of the Good Shepherd reverences the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in the child.  You can learn more about CGS here.

In the youngest child's Atrium (a simple, prepared space for the children), you can find liturgy work, geography of the land of Jesus, Infancy Narratives work, Parable work as well as practical life.

The central focus in the youngest child's atrium is the parable of the Good Shepherd found in John 10.

Another focal point is the prayer table.  This prayer table is easily replicated in the home.

What is included in a prayer table?  A low table such as a coffee table.  At the child's level.  This is away from the busy parts of the home, but in an easy accessible place.

We have ours in our main living room.  (It might be convenient for a child to have a prayer table in their own room?)  A prayer cloth that is the liturgical color for the time is appropriate.  Green for ordinary time, purple for preparation for Advent or Lent.  An icon or a statue that might be appropriate for the time period.  I currently have a icon of the Sorrowful Mother for the month of September.  Perhaps a candle or a battery operated candle if you have young children with no experience with candles.

How to introduce a prayer table?  "This is a special place to develop the habit of prayer.  You can come here often during the day to spend some silence and quiet with God.  Maybe you'd like to change the cloth, choose a different statue or photo, read a prayer, move figures to remember a parable or a narrative from the gospel."  Perhaps a child's bible is close by.  Access to the readings from the daily Mass or weekly gospel.  An older child might like a copy of the Magnificat or Give us this Day.  Perhaps a four volume copy of the Liturgy of Hours.

How else to help the child focus on prayer?  Celebrate the holy days in a special way in your home.  Besides attending Mass, choose a fun meal or outing to accent the day.  Celebrate the Baptism day of each of your children---this is a VERY important day.  The day they became a Christian!

Mary's birthday is coming up.  Choose some white or blue foods.  Decorate the prayer table with blue or a statue.  Have a Mary procession.  Sing a song to Mary.  Visit a Marian shrine nearby.  The options are endless.

So there's the atmosphere.  Then there's the discipline of habit.  Choosing to not miss Mass.  To have the rule of prayer.  Meal prayers and much more each day.  These are simple ways to help your children.  This requires even the more of the mother and the father to have a habit, the discipline, of faith.

And then you let go.

And let the Holy Spirit do it's work.

And watch the child respond.  They do in their own way.  It might not look like the way we approach prayer, but it's theirs.

Practice, as the adult, getting out of the way of the work of God in the child's life.

May God richly bless you as you pray alongside your children.

You beautiful interruption.

My personal read during the school year (last year) was Keep a Quiet Heart  by Elisabeth Eliot.  I'm still reading it.  The small meditations (there must be 100) give me a little something to think about the rest of the week/day.

This week I've been meditating on her short chapter about "interruptions, delays and inconveniences." [page 139]

I have six beautiful ones (maybe 7) that live in this house.  Responding to the requests in the fashion and time they request is tiring.  Sometimes it's down right frustrating!

And it's my job.  My primary job to be the one that says "Yes" to the up-teenth "MOM" that is called.

EE shares a quote from James Fraser (1886-1938), who was a Protestant Missionary to China, "I am finding out that it is a mistake to plan to get through a certain amount of work in a certain time.  It ends in disappointment, besides not being the right way to go about it, in my judgement.  It makes one impatient of interruptions and delay.  Just as you are nearly finishing-somebody comes along to sit with you and have a chat! You might hardly think it possible to be impatient and put out where there is such an opportunity for presenting the gospel ..."No admittance except on business" scarcely shows a true missionary spirit."

I could have nearly written that myself!  I like Mother Teresa's quote about home and missionary spirit.

“It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.”

My personal mission field is in this home.   One day these dear interruptions of mine will leave this house.  They will make decisions to continue their relationship with God or to walk a different path.  It's my job right now to be available to them whenever they need.  These inconviences are my responsibility.  They are the ones I am to love...so pardon me, I must go respond to someone who is calling for a drink of water.

Helping our daughters with virtue: the older girls version

Nothing we teach our children is made clear in one moment.

It's the millions of moments over years that drip into the bucket of their lives.  It's the constant stream of unconsciousness that sets in motion the beliefs they have.

The direct conversations we have with them,
the simple concepts we share with them...
these are the things that are their apprenticeship into adulthood.

I reflect on the apprenticeship my husband and I had before we married.  We laugh as we think of the 20+ years of learning different behaviors and responses we each brought to our marriage.  We were both raised in Christian homes, yet our philosophies and responses to each new activity in life was so different.   We learned so much about each other and even more about ourselves that first year of marriage.  (I learned how selfish I was.)

We continue to learn more about each other every year.

But do you think about the best apprenticeship for our daughters to grow into Godly women?

Each moment.  Each day.  Each breath can be a way to send them in the right direction.

And each time we fail to reach the goal we have set for ourselves is a gift to begin again the next time.

So what have we used in this household?

You can see my post about what I use for books with younger girls here.

We spend much time studying the lives of godly people.  Persons as diverse as Maria Goretti to Elisabeth Eliot to Ruth from the Bible.  We spend much time reading books which integrate our whole persons with our whole Faith.

The most meaningful conversations I have with my girls are those conversations we don't have.  The 'conversations' of the way I act and what I say to others that they hear and see each day.  My actions speak LOUDER than my words.  But that doesn't mean we don't have intentional conversations.  We do.  Often.

Both my 11 year old and 13 year old are in Mother-Daughter Book groups that I organized.  We meet monthly with like minded mothers and daughters to talk through the changes and graces given them as they grow through these tween and teen years.  

Some of the texts which we have found helpful: (these are in order to which we have read them)

Beautiful Girlhood revised by Karen Andreola

Joyful Mysteries of Life for Children

Before you Meet Prince Charming by Sarah Malley

I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris

Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Eliot

On the Dignity and Vocation of Women

Praying for Your Future Husband

Purity is not just sexual purity, but rather keeping all parts of us pure.  Creating screens in which to filter all around what we hear, see and do is important.  Keeping our hearts pure means putting virtue in and continuing to grow it.   Keeping our minds pure from watching things that might pollute our hearts means being vigilant about everything we see on screens or read.

I'm a stickler at what I let my kids watch on screens.  I took to heart the Academy of Pediatrics recommendations to not let children under 2 watch any TV at all.  (It's really hard with baby #6!)  The only TV that my children watch is PBS and that's only on Saturday mornings.  If there is anything else on PBS that they want to see we wait until mom has previewed it and then watch it on a DVD...sometimes months or years later.

Recently I have been letting my oldest daughter watch a PBS series with me. We tend to only watch it through the PBS.org as we never have all the other children bedded down in time to watch it "live".  It's been a way for us to connect and have even more discussions!

I keep a limit on computer time and it's always in a main room of our house were others are watching every move the child makes.  (no computers, ipads or tv's allowed in bedrooms!)

Always pursuing virtue and finding an intentional beginning.
In our family, we use the Passport to Purity as a beginning of the intentional conversation about changes on the horizon.  Because we have been blessed with many children, we have had multitudes of conversations about conception, life and changing bodies.  This weekend retreat is a one-on-one time with mother and daughter to start the conversation that will intensify over the next 6-8 years.

The weekends I have spent with my two oldest daughters individually have been blessed times.  We do the activities recommended by the Raineys on the CDs.  Enjoy some personal time and quiet time together both at Mass and beside a pool.  We enjoy a simple meals together and also a fancy dinner with daddy at the end of the weekend.  I choose to do these weekends close to home, yet away, so as to create a distinction from the conversations we have with brothers and sisters within the home.

This is also a time that I institute a Mother-Daughter notebook.  This is a simple spiral notebook in which we have a two way conversation on paper.  When I have something to share or something difficult to say, I write it all down and put the notebook under her pillow.  She then has possession of the notebook until she sees fit to return it under my pillow with her own thoughts recorded on the next page.  It's a blessing to look back through our notebooks and see how my daughters have grown in their thought processes over the years.

Clothing IS non verbal communication.  
Have you seen this fun Truth or Bare facts?
Dana Greesh has some great ideas about modesty and girls.  They have been very helpful.  Her books for moms about ways to talk with daughters might be helpful for persons who want to change the tone in their household to more openness.

I want the desire to dress modesty to come from within the heart of my daughters, not from exterior rewards or punishments.  I want them to look beautiful yet not attracting the wrong kind of attention.

I often see my daughters challenging each other on the way they dress.  They have encouraged my husband to consider their dress as well.  When the tone comes from the child upwards, there seems to be less tension.  When I demand a certain way of dressing, it becomes authoritarian and breaks down communication between us.

I remember one year when my oldest daughter was 11 or 12.  I had been out of town in the winter and found a delightful store of expensive dresses having a sale.  The dresses were all smocked and ruffled.  They were just the most modest delightful dresses.  So I bought one and saved it for Easter.

When Easter rolled around, my daughters taste in clothes had changed.  She wanted to look more grown up and a smocked dress did not suit her tastes anymore.  My mind had dollar signs in it.  Hers did not.  Did she wear the dress?  She did.  But not happily.  And took it off as soon as we arrived home from church.  The dress was never worn again by her.

It took me some time to repair the stress I caused by making her wear it.  Thankfully with other daughters in this family, it has been worn again.  And the maturity level of my other daughter isn't quite the same so she thought smocking was wonderful!  But I learned a good lesson here.  What I desire most is connection and openness with my children.  Forcing a dress to be worn did not encourage positive communication.

As I reflect on the moments left to intentionally impact my children towards God's goodness, my emotions are mixed with horror at what little time is left and the joy of growth I have seen in them.  I know I can influence them for good, yet it will be their decision to choose to follow God's plan or to walk their own road.  I pray for my daughters each day that the blank page of their lives, waiting to be written, will be in line with the plan of God.

Do you consider ways to be more intentional about helping your daughters (or sons!) intro growing who God wants them to be?

What I read from today's Rule...

Chapter 70: That No One Venture to Punish at Random

Every occasion of presumption
shall be avoided in the monastery,
and we decree that no one be allowed
to excommunicate or to strike any of her sisters
unless the Abbess has given her the authority.
Those who offend in this matter
shall be rebuked in the presence of all,
that the rest may have fear.

But children up to 15 years of age
shall be carefully controlled and watched by all,
yet this too with all moderation and discretion.
All, therefore, who presume
without the Abbess' instructions
to punish those above that age
or who lose their temper with them,
shall undergo the discipline of the Rule;
for it is written,
"Do not to another what you would not want done to yourself" (Tobias 4:16).

And how I thought it applied so well to the vocation of married life...It became the discussion for meal time.

about Death

Resurrection Day 2013.

It's a challenge to teach children about death and the afterlife.  We learn as we go.

In my childhood, my grandparents were taken in a tragic accident when I was younger than 10.  There was a very short learning curve for me.  And perhaps it has taken a life time for me to process their death.

My childhood has influenced how my children are learning about death.  They have been to many funerals and visitations.  They have grieved at the loss of persons with whom they have been intimately connected.  They know a funeral liturgy. We visit gravesites often.  Our conversations continue as we skim the surface of the afterlife.

This Easter evening I drove my six children to a visitation.  It was for a young man.  A relative.  His death was untimely.  God had granted him many happy years.  But he was still taken too soon.

It was different seeing a young person ("where are his legs, mom?") in a casket.  "Why is he sleeping?"  "Can we see him again?"  "I need to pray again and say goodbye."

My children wondered on the way home.

Was he named after Philip Neri?  He was a joyful young man.  If not named after that saint, he exhibited the behavior due that name.

We observed a few tears of loss, but there was much happiness at the visitation.  We all knew he is with Jesus.  We live with the hope of the Resurrection.  Especially today in a new way.

The 2 year old reflected that he wanted to know the young man more.  "I want him in my life."  To which we all replied, that the young man WAS in our life now more than ever.  We can ask him to talk to Jesus for us.  He's enjoying this Easter in a way we can't comprehend.

It was good to reflect on "Are Adam and Eve in heaven now?" and "Will {this young man} be with Mr. so and so who died last summer?"

And the conversation continues.

The Table Blessing

When we sit down to dinner together in the evening, I say a table blessing.

It's not the kind of blessing that you think.

Yes, we do pray a prayer of thanksgiving over our food together, but then I try to say another blessing.

The day has been long.  I've been home with my darling children all day.  We've done the school work.  In the afternoon, I've found meaningful inactivity with them.  The crafts and games have been done.  I've seen them at their best and worst (and they have seen me too!)  We've grown in character another day together.

Now it's the time to share the day's review with our administrator.  What do I share?

In the presence of my children, I share a table blessing.

Aloud in front of all of them, I begin to recount the times I saw them doing good to each other.

The times when I saw them being Christ to each other.  I tell my husband of the gentleness of an older brother with his baby brother.  I recount the teenagers ability to put the toddler down for a nap.  I share the story of a tween taking a sibling on a walk to the library.  I repeat the words of a kindergartner that made us all laugh.  I show the photo of the world's best indoor tent.  I honor the drawing that we had to frame instantly and hang in the family room.  I reminisce of the ability of one child to practice her violin without reminding from me while she was still in her pajamas.

Were there fights today in which I intervened?  yes.
Were there broken things within in this house (both physical and emotional)? yes.
Did this mother say anything unkind today towards her children?  yes.

But today (and I hope many days), I want them to be blessed at the table.  I want these children, these gifts God has given me, to know that I see and honor the virtue they show, the character that they are trying to develop....

and I stop to give another table blessing.

Baby, Oh Baby.

photo credit http://nellie-photography.com/

Another new little life has come under this roof in a real way.  He emerged from his safe warm place into waiting arms of five older siblings and one set of grateful parents.  He's been fought over nearly every waking moment (who wouldn't want that?).

I see that it's time to take a nice break from school work.  With six full weeks finished for this Term, we are taking a nice long look at this new little boy and thanking God for him in every moment.