Fostering a prayer life in children

On a recent visit with a spiritual director, he asked me straight out "how to you teach your children how to pray?"

I sat for a second with a stone face and then realized all the many things we do.

Mass is very long prayer time filled with many prayers.  We try to spend one weekday morning at church to participate in the liturgy. We attend weekend Mass together.  My children participate in different ways based on their ages.  I have two teenagers that lector, one of my sons serves at the altar.  I also have some kids who like to wrestle me and each other.  It makes for a lively time for me.

I've made a rosary box that gets a lot of use.  It's a way of giving the children something tangible to hold and look at for each mystery.  It helps to ground them into the moment.  {I personally find the rosary to be a practice of focus for myself!}

We do the stations of the cross all times of the year.  I also have a box to hold an item for each station.  We do so much like to do the stations with the small candles that are extinguished as we finish each one.

I have an area that is specific for personal prayer and family prayer.  We call it a prayer corner, but it's more of a wall facing east in this new house.  We have compline in the evening together as a family here.  We've also added a little reading from the Catechism each night as suggested.

We've taught our children how to use the Jesus Prayer and the Divine Mercy Prayer.  Did you know there are even Apps for these?  I'm pretty low media in this house, but there are times when I let my kids use an App to help them follow their place with these.

I gave a talk about fostering prayer in children at a local churches moms group...It is good to re-read this.  It takes a little bit of time for a habit to be lost.  It's great to be reminded of what we hope for and want to do with and for our children.

But what is the best practice of all?  Making time for silence in the midst of a child's daily chaos.  Our American lives create some much noise.  How can we ever hear the voice of the Shepherd?  There must be times in the day carved out for quiet.   I have sand timers that we use often.  I keep a 7 minute timer near the prayer corner.  A child can use it to keep their body still and quiet for 7 minutes.  For the younger children, I have a 1 minute timer.  (you've got to start somewhere!)

My children over the age of 8 have weekly sheets that tell them what lessons to accomplish on their own each day.  I include a "quiet time with Jesus" on each of their lists.  What they do during that time is very flexible and open for them.  I try to have taught them a variety of personal prayer styles to allow them to grow their own relationship with God.

I keep many books rotating in the prayer area.  Some that I have found especially helpful to my children are:

The Children's Illustrated Bible

The Jesus StoryBible.

A is for Altar, B is for Bible

An Alphabet of Catholic Saints 

The monk who grew prayer 

The Praises

The Jesus Prayer and Me. (not sold by Amazon...link here)

Discloser: When you click on one of these books and buy, Amazon rewards me with a small kick back.  Thank you.  I hope you enjoy the books as much as we do.  

AND modeling is very important.  Do your children see you praying and want to join you?  Have they observed you quietly making the sign of the cross before you begin an activity?  Do they hear you participate in the liturgy?  Have they joined you in praying the Divine Mercy chaplet at 3pm?  Have they seen you initiate meal prayers?  

And that, Father J-T, is how I foster prayer life in my children!  

talk notes...

talk notes from today's presentation to a young moms group at a local parish:

I'd like to encourage you all in living our primary goal as parents, as mothers.

To help those in our home turn their hearts and minds toward God.

What is the avenue in which we connect with our God?  Prayer.  This prayer is both a preparation and a vehicle for arriving at the great prayer of thanksgiving:  The Mass or Eucharist.  Pope John Paul II in his 1994 letter to families said that parents are the primary educators of the faith to their children.  Already before a child begins school or pre-school, they have begun to have a relationship with God.  And we can help nurture that at home.  This supports, rather than diminishes, the benefit of taking them to weekly (or daily) Mass.

All peoples of religion offer prayer, but as Christians we pray through Jesus Christ.  This mystery of knowing God in prayer is a way of God revealing more of himself to us.  "Unless you become like a little child you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:3)

How does a child approach prayer?

What is an adult's role in assisting a child into this mystery of prayer?

Prayer, after all, is a personal response to God.  We each differ in the ways that we pray.  We, as adults, should not presume to teach a child to pray.  The only words that Jesus offered us is the Lord's Prayer.  And that was in teaching adults!

When the Holy Spirit is indwelt in the child at their baptism, their life of prayer has begun.  How can we respect that interior life?  By creating the atmosphere for it to flourish.

Matthew 19:13 says " Then little children were being brought to him in order that he might lay his hands on them and pray.  The disciples spoke sternly to those who brought them; but Jesus said:' Let the little children come to me and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of heaven belongs.' And he laid his hands on them and went on his way."

We do know that there are specific ways to adjust the atmosphere to encourage prayer.

A British educator named Charlotte Mason suggested that learning (and I'm speaking specifically to learning to pray) takes atmosphere, discipline and life.  Atmosphere and discipline are the ways we as adults can make the environment for children.  Life is their job.  We set the foundation and then they take it over as they grow.

Let's take a look at atmosphere.  A child is very much capable of silence and contemplation.  If you haven't experienced children's adoration, I highly recommend it!  It's amazing to see children of 2 or 3 years of age sitting for periods of silence with the Sisters of St. John.  Or my own observations in the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd where children sit for prayer, for personal work and prayer.  

But does prayer only have to be nurtured at church or religious formation?  No.  You can create an atmosphere for a child's prayer in your own home.

Having a quiet space in the home.  Away from the toys. Turn off the TV.
(can you pray with the TV on?)

An environment of prayer begins at birth!

Really?      Yes!

How?  Here are some ideas to try:

Hang religious images where the child can see them while in your arms, while nursing, when waking from a nap.  This can lift their minds to things of above.

Use your own personal gestures of prayer SLOWLY.  Make the sign of the cross with purpose (don't be sloppy).  Perhaps use three finger tips rather than your whole hand/ all finger tips.  Genuflect slowly and deliberately. Spend time on your knees at home.

Give evening blessings with a cross on the children's heads or with holy water.  Let the children give you an evening blessing.

Use prayers, hymns/songs that are acquainted with the Liturgical Time of the year.  (like Come Holy Spirit around Pentecost, Come Though Expected Jesus during Advent)  Let music be heard often in your home.

Have a prayer space for the children or for the whole family.  Place simple "prayer helps" in this area such as a rosary, a crucifix, saint peg dolls or other touchable things for children.

Take the child to Mass at a young age and take them often!  If one hour is too long for them to sit, then go to daily mass as well.  This begins the process to help them attain the habit of sitting still and keeping their attention forward.

Read the daily readings ahead of time for the Mass aloud.  (this also helps for the Moms that miss hearing all the readings due to helping the children sit still!)

Practice a Liturgy of the Hours at home.  Pray upon rising, and sitting, eating and sleeping!

Rosary.  Perhaps a decade with each meal and one with bedtime and teeth brushing.

We reverence the Holy Spirit living in the child when we acknowledge their independence in their choices.  We give them two or three great choices and then allow them to choose.

Example:  Want to pray sitting down or standing up?  Will we pray the Our Father or sing the Hail Mary?

Jesus revealed himself to a little child in the gospels.  He reveals himself to us as adults.  We need to acknowledge that the child has the Holy Spirit working in their life just like we do!

The Catechesis of the Good Shepherd reverences the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in the child.  You can learn more about CGS here.

In the youngest child's Atrium (a simple, prepared space for the children), you can find liturgy work, geography of the land of Jesus, Infancy Narratives work, Parable work as well as practical life.

The central focus in the youngest child's atrium is the parable of the Good Shepherd found in John 10.

Another focal point is the prayer table.  This prayer table is easily replicated in the home.

What is included in a prayer table?  A low table such as a coffee table.  At the child's level.  This is away from the busy parts of the home, but in an easy accessible place.

We have ours in our main living room.  (It might be convenient for a child to have a prayer table in their own room?)  A prayer cloth that is the liturgical color for the time is appropriate.  Green for ordinary time, purple for preparation for Advent or Lent.  An icon or a statue that might be appropriate for the time period.  I currently have a icon of the Sorrowful Mother for the month of September.  Perhaps a candle or a battery operated candle if you have young children with no experience with candles.

How to introduce a prayer table?  "This is a special place to develop the habit of prayer.  You can come here often during the day to spend some silence and quiet with God.  Maybe you'd like to change the cloth, choose a different statue or photo, read a prayer, move figures to remember a parable or a narrative from the gospel."  Perhaps a child's bible is close by.  Access to the readings from the daily Mass or weekly gospel.  An older child might like a copy of the Magnificat or Give us this Day.  Perhaps a four volume copy of the Liturgy of Hours.

How else to help the child focus on prayer?  Celebrate the holy days in a special way in your home.  Besides attending Mass, choose a fun meal or outing to accent the day.  Celebrate the Baptism day of each of your children---this is a VERY important day.  The day they became a Christian!

Mary's birthday is coming up.  Choose some white or blue foods.  Decorate the prayer table with blue or a statue.  Have a Mary procession.  Sing a song to Mary.  Visit a Marian shrine nearby.  The options are endless.

So there's the atmosphere.  Then there's the discipline of habit.  Choosing to not miss Mass.  To have the rule of prayer.  Meal prayers and much more each day.  These are simple ways to help your children.  This requires even the more of the mother and the father to have a habit, the discipline, of faith.

And then you let go.

And let the Holy Spirit do it's work.

And watch the child respond.  They do in their own way.  It might not look like the way we approach prayer, but it's theirs.

Practice, as the adult, getting out of the way of the work of God in the child's life.

May God richly bless you as you pray alongside your children.

Living Benedictine Spirituality in our Domestic Monastery part 1

Many years ago I read post about specific comparisons to domestic life and the monastery.  I continue to consider if God would have been pleased if I had chosen a different path...I wish for silence, when in reality I've been given a very noisy household.  I dream about order and God blessed me with family chaos.

Our School Motto of the year on a wall in the dining room.

But it's the similarities, not the extreme differences, that make me smile.  I wouldn't try to change where I am...  I simply embrace the differences to ground me in the joy of here.

I've got my "monastery bells" in the night bringing me back to the desperation of prayer.  The voices of darlings that might ring less on tune.  Those are the times when I gasp to pray the psalms, but I instead get to cling to something more simple.

"God help me, I was just up one hour ago."

There is no longer anything I own.  It's all become part of this domestic communities possessions.  I'm learning that things are temporary, but people are eternal.  I can't be partial to my favorite material stuffs.

"Just why has my favorite eyeliner been used to draw on the walls of the bathroom?"

There isn't a room in the house that isn't occupied by another.  I share my space constantly.

"Please close the door to the bathroom while mom is taking a shower!"

Decisions are no longer mine to make.  It takes scheduling creativity to make sure each persons needs are seen as important when there are eight of us.

Ding, dong.

"Mom, there's a man at the door to see you."

(slump.  I've got a houseful of women and daughters here to talk about a girls book...and I also scheduled the insurance man to come?  fumble.  fhume.  slump.)

But in all reality there is much from the Benedictine Rule that we can apply to our lives, our domestic church.

Have you read THE RULE?  It's something you can read a little of each day, year after year.  Although written for monks, it has so much that fits into the domestic life.

I read books about bringing some of the basics of Benedictine Rule into our family life often.  Lots of people have written their impressions of how to bring the Rule into the home.

Have you seen The Family Cloister by Robinson?  I've been reading this book slowly for about 10 years.  There are suggestions for family meetings that I have still yet to try with our family.

When I began reading this book, I had two children under 4.  Less of the book had deep application then, but instead created a great foundation of philosophy of family life together.

The author is a protestant pastor who has spent time in Benedictine Monasteries around the USA including Gethsemani Abbey in Kentucky.  (me too!)  Now that I have one teenager and another quickly approaching, we apply more and more.

So what do we try to apply in this house?

A rule of prayer.  No, we don't rise at 3am to sing in the morning.  But we pray together in the morning and in the night.  Each family member is given "Prayer time with Jesus" as part of their school work.  We have a small room at the top of our stairs in which students take their individual quiet prayer time each day as part of their school work.  It's a room full of icons, bibles, prayer books and holy cards. This site is also where we gather at night to share prayer as a family.  It's quite cozy when all 8 of us squish in there.

Hospitality.  Our home is open to many, often.  We host persons for meals on a weekly basis.  We host neighbors and friends weekly in unplanned gatherings.  We are also working to be more hospitable to those that live in this house!   We can become lax at times in going the extra miles for those we live with.  (Do I always rise in the night with a smile when someone calls for a drink of water?)  I often think of Hebrews 13:2 "Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it."   We don't get many strangers around our dinner table.  (I believe the time for that has passed.) But I DO see many people in a day when outside of this house that we can give a smile or a kind word to.  This is the kind of hospitality we can give to strangers.

Obedience. I may have thought that I'd do things my own way once I was grown up.  But there is always some kind of authority that I choose to obey.  Obedience thought processes have been in this house for years.  I tend to refer back to those verses from Ephesians when considering how to respond. The verses that make me think I would never be asked to do something unreasonable. I try to keep this in mind when I ask things of those under my authority in this monastery.


more to come...