Ways to Bond with your baby before they are born (repost from Catholic Attachment Parenting blog)

waiting for the birth of 5th baby!! 

Photo copyright Marcia Mattern

We often think of bonding with baby after they are born….but we can begin even earlier!

A Catholic couple prepares for childbirth by embracing their mutual fertility and welcoming children consciously with God’s gift of life.

Before Conception:

Systematic observations of fertility (tracking the wife’s basal temperature and cervical mucus) allow a couple to see a woman’s natural signs of fertility.  With this knowledge, the couple can make responsible choices of spacing birth.  There are many good choices for Natural Family Planning (NFP) such as Creighton, Couple to Couple League, and Northwest.

Even before conceiving a new life, parents may ask God to intercede in the growth and health of the developing child.  Mothers traditionally ask for the intercession of  St. Gerard  and St. Margaret of Antioch  regarding conception and pregnancy.

In times of difficulty in conceiving, spouses welcome more education and instruction to comply completely with the requirements of our Catholic Faith.  For these couples, welcoming a new life through spiritual adoption is a comfort and a blessing.

Newly Expecting:  

Upon conception, parents can find peace in receiving a blessing upon the new life.  In 2012, the United States Bishops released a prayer which parents may ask for by their priest:  Rite-for-the-Blessing-of-a-Child-in-the-Womb.

Some Catholic parents find passages from the Holy Bible to give them comfort during pregnancy.  We can find several passages that show the amazing power of God in taking part in creating the life in the womb of the Mother.  Psalm 139:13 might be the most well know passage “You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb”.

Other passages supporting God’s handiwork include: Wisdom 7:1, Ecclesiastes 11:5 and Job 1:21.

Preparing for Birth:  

Parents may wish to take childbirth classes to educate themselves about this new gift of life.  Reading books and watching videos about different options for birth help the parents prepare for the labor and delivery.

Exercise and healthy eating during the time before conception as well as during pregnancy increase the chances of a healthy mom and child.

Some parents find connecting with other parents who have similar values can give support during pregnancy and childbirth. Parishes may offer ministries especially for pregnant women such as Elizabeth Ministry .

Choosing a health care provider who embraces the Catholic teachings regarding fertility is often high on the list for expecting Catholic couples.  One More Soul  offers a long listing of providers in the United States as well as options for Natural Family Planning.

The companions a couple invites to their child’s birth can increase chances for a calm and natural birth.  Increasing numbers of couples are choosing a doula  to accompany them during labor and delivery.  A doula is a non-medical support person trained to support the mother and spouse during the pregnancy, labor, delivery and postpartum period.

Preparing Older Siblings:  

Read books to older siblings about their new baby. Photo copyright Marcia Mattern

Bonding with baby takes on a twist when the second and successive pregnancies come along!

An attached parent melts the other children’s heart by helping the other children welcome siblings joyfully.  The Blessed Pope John Paul II even exhorted the faithful that a sibling was the greatest gift parents could give a child.  The other children learn self giving and to embrace the uniqueness of each unrepeatable person when they welcome a sibling.

Reading books and watching child focused videos with your children can help them bond with the new life growing as well.  Tell your children their own birth story.  As developmentally appropriate, parents can share with their children the wonder of God’s creation of man and the wide depth of how as Catholics we see the Theology of the Body.

I personally recommend Angel in the Waters by Regina Doman and My Mom Is Having a Baby by Dorri Miller.  Parts of the Business of Being Born DVD by Abby Epstein and/or Gentle Birth DVD by Barbara Harper would allow some visualization of the birthing process for children as parents see fit.  Please preview these before determining if they are good for sharing with your children.

Photo copyright Marcia Mattern.

References:

John Paul II’s letter to Families 1994

John Paul II’s letter to the US upon his first visit in 1979

Familiaris Consortio (On the role of the Christian Family in the Modern World)

General audience talks on Theology of the Body

Industry

I've been contemplating how to help my children become well rounded adults for many years now.  I mainly want them to grow into people I continue to enjoy being around!  (That's what I mean by well rounded!...having a wide understanding of many things and ability to speak about many topics)

One thing I want them to do is to carry on conversations with people of all settings.  And to make those people feel welcomed and at home with my children.  To do this, they need to know the basics of keeping a house.  And they need to know an inch deep into every thing I can introduce them to over their 18 years in my care and under my roof!

I wrote a guide for growing in Industry for my oldest child the year she turned 10.  We made it into a celebration and ceremony for her.  I am beginning this with my third child this year.  I've tweaked the booklet I made to reflect things that a boy might find a bit more interesting.  I'm looking forward to seeing how he approaches this.

I've been so pleased with the growth that my daughters have had with this prompting.  I encourage them to spend about 10 minutes per week planning a way to work through this book.  It might mean adding things to the grocery list so that they can cook something during afternoon occupations.  It might mean asking a grand parent or older adult to model how to compete a task.  It's been a gentle way to become a person of Industry!

Click here for updated version!  And by all means, adjust it to fit your families needs.

Party

We celebrated a double birthday with a "around the world theme" one Sunday during Lent.

The costumes were delicious!  

Grandparents that enjoyed dressing up too!

American Lemonade.  

Main dishes from China, Syria, India and Mexico.

Lambingtons for cakes.

Desserts from all over.  

a lively gathering of families

Reading for knowledge about boys

I'm at it again.  Reading to support my boys (and my husband).

Here's when I read Raising Cain the second time.  (I just requested it from the library again!)

And Boys Adrift

Here is what I said to another homeschooling mom that was struggling with her boys.

Two summers ago, when my son was nearly 8, I was shocked that his interest in reading was lagging so far behind his two older sisters.  They both had been devouring books by the time they were 8.  He wasn't.  And it was agony to beg him to try.  So I let it be.  For one summer and then another.

And now.  NOW that he's 9.75 he gets it.  He really gets it.  Thank you to the moms that told me to just calm down.  Because he's reading and I just needed to give him enough time.

So I like to go back through my book logs and common place books to find the quotes that were most helpful to me the first time I read a book.

Bringing up Boys (James Dobson!) said "Independence for boys begins around 15 to 30 months".  I AGREE!  It's been very interesting to see how my boys love their independence.  And wowzie are they strong willed.

But I also liked what this author said "Age 10 is the most agreeable age".  I've got a son turing 10 this coming summer.  I'm going to get him working so hard for me that he'll want to keep it up for the next 8 years!  With this lovely farm we've got growing, I hope that he find a gazzillion things to keep his little heart occupied over the coming years.

But the person I enjoy reading the most is Meg Meeker.  Her attitude towards boys (and children for that matter!) is so kind and loving!  Yet, she always understands them developmentally too.  So I'm pulling out my book, Boys Should be Boys.  I'm having some lovely time reading.

How about you?  Are you thinking about your children and their changes developmentally?

Darling little boy

Bittersweet week.

A little baby turns into a little boy.  He's not walking too much.  I'm afraid when he really gets the hang of it, he will be running.  (to keep up with the rest of them.)

1st week of school

DONE.

And it was a challenge for me and for everyone to stay on task.

A blessing and a challenge.  That's what homeschooling is for us.

Without bigger girl helpers at home, the chores would pile up.

Without learning in the home, the relationships between children would be lessened.

Without toddlers and babies underfoot, we might not  learn patience.  (okay, God would send me something else to teach me).

Without a live in grandpa, we might not know that possom have 50 teeth.  Yes, we are learning all sorts of neat things now.

And a few photos from the first week.

Red wiggler compost bin work directed by oldest daughter

First day of highschool at home

Youngest brother turns one.

Piano lessons for 1 year old.

Helping our daughters with virtue: the older girls version

Nothing we teach our children is made clear in one moment.

It's the millions of moments over years that drip into the bucket of their lives.  It's the constant stream of unconsciousness that sets in motion the beliefs they have.

The direct conversations we have with them,
the simple concepts we share with them...
these are the things that are their apprenticeship into adulthood.

I reflect on the apprenticeship my husband and I had before we married.  We laugh as we think of the 20+ years of learning different behaviors and responses we each brought to our marriage.  We were both raised in Christian homes, yet our philosophies and responses to each new activity in life was so different.   We learned so much about each other and even more about ourselves that first year of marriage.  (I learned how selfish I was.)

We continue to learn more about each other every year.

But do you think about the best apprenticeship for our daughters to grow into Godly women?

Each moment.  Each day.  Each breath can be a way to send them in the right direction.

And each time we fail to reach the goal we have set for ourselves is a gift to begin again the next time.

So what have we used in this household?

You can see my post about what I use for books with younger girls here.

We spend much time studying the lives of godly people.  Persons as diverse as Maria Goretti to Elisabeth Eliot to Ruth from the Bible.  We spend much time reading books which integrate our whole persons with our whole Faith.

The most meaningful conversations I have with my girls are those conversations we don't have.  The 'conversations' of the way I act and what I say to others that they hear and see each day.  My actions speak LOUDER than my words.  But that doesn't mean we don't have intentional conversations.  We do.  Often.

Both my 11 year old and 13 year old are in Mother-Daughter Book groups that I organized.  We meet monthly with like minded mothers and daughters to talk through the changes and graces given them as they grow through these tween and teen years.  

Some of the texts which we have found helpful: (these are in order to which we have read them)

Beautiful Girlhood revised by Karen Andreola

Joyful Mysteries of Life for Children

Before you Meet Prince Charming by Sarah Malley

I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris

Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Eliot

On the Dignity and Vocation of Women

Praying for Your Future Husband

Purity is not just sexual purity, but rather keeping all parts of us pure.  Creating screens in which to filter all around what we hear, see and do is important.  Keeping our hearts pure means putting virtue in and continuing to grow it.   Keeping our minds pure from watching things that might pollute our hearts means being vigilant about everything we see on screens or read.

I'm a stickler at what I let my kids watch on screens.  I took to heart the Academy of Pediatrics recommendations to not let children under 2 watch any TV at all.  (It's really hard with baby #6!)  The only TV that my children watch is PBS and that's only on Saturday mornings.  If there is anything else on PBS that they want to see we wait until mom has previewed it and then watch it on a DVD...sometimes months or years later.

Recently I have been letting my oldest daughter watch a PBS series with me. We tend to only watch it through the PBS.org as we never have all the other children bedded down in time to watch it "live".  It's been a way for us to connect and have even more discussions!

I keep a limit on computer time and it's always in a main room of our house were others are watching every move the child makes.  (no computers, ipads or tv's allowed in bedrooms!)

Always pursuing virtue and finding an intentional beginning.
In our family, we use the Passport to Purity as a beginning of the intentional conversation about changes on the horizon.  Because we have been blessed with many children, we have had multitudes of conversations about conception, life and changing bodies.  This weekend retreat is a one-on-one time with mother and daughter to start the conversation that will intensify over the next 6-8 years.

The weekends I have spent with my two oldest daughters individually have been blessed times.  We do the activities recommended by the Raineys on the CDs.  Enjoy some personal time and quiet time together both at Mass and beside a pool.  We enjoy a simple meals together and also a fancy dinner with daddy at the end of the weekend.  I choose to do these weekends close to home, yet away, so as to create a distinction from the conversations we have with brothers and sisters within the home.

This is also a time that I institute a Mother-Daughter notebook.  This is a simple spiral notebook in which we have a two way conversation on paper.  When I have something to share or something difficult to say, I write it all down and put the notebook under her pillow.  She then has possession of the notebook until she sees fit to return it under my pillow with her own thoughts recorded on the next page.  It's a blessing to look back through our notebooks and see how my daughters have grown in their thought processes over the years.

Clothing IS non verbal communication.  
Have you seen this fun Truth or Bare facts?
Dana Greesh has some great ideas about modesty and girls.  They have been very helpful.  Her books for moms about ways to talk with daughters might be helpful for persons who want to change the tone in their household to more openness.

I want the desire to dress modesty to come from within the heart of my daughters, not from exterior rewards or punishments.  I want them to look beautiful yet not attracting the wrong kind of attention.

I often see my daughters challenging each other on the way they dress.  They have encouraged my husband to consider their dress as well.  When the tone comes from the child upwards, there seems to be less tension.  When I demand a certain way of dressing, it becomes authoritarian and breaks down communication between us.

I remember one year when my oldest daughter was 11 or 12.  I had been out of town in the winter and found a delightful store of expensive dresses having a sale.  The dresses were all smocked and ruffled.  They were just the most modest delightful dresses.  So I bought one and saved it for Easter.

When Easter rolled around, my daughters taste in clothes had changed.  She wanted to look more grown up and a smocked dress did not suit her tastes anymore.  My mind had dollar signs in it.  Hers did not.  Did she wear the dress?  She did.  But not happily.  And took it off as soon as we arrived home from church.  The dress was never worn again by her.

It took me some time to repair the stress I caused by making her wear it.  Thankfully with other daughters in this family, it has been worn again.  And the maturity level of my other daughter isn't quite the same so she thought smocking was wonderful!  But I learned a good lesson here.  What I desire most is connection and openness with my children.  Forcing a dress to be worn did not encourage positive communication.

As I reflect on the moments left to intentionally impact my children towards God's goodness, my emotions are mixed with horror at what little time is left and the joy of growth I have seen in them.  I know I can influence them for good, yet it will be their decision to choose to follow God's plan or to walk their own road.  I pray for my daughters each day that the blank page of their lives, waiting to be written, will be in line with the plan of God.

Do you consider ways to be more intentional about helping your daughters (or sons!) intro growing who God wants them to be?

Sweetness in snow days.

The beauty of homeschooling allows us lots of play in the snow and still accomplishing lots at school.

the babies first hike and what we found there.

Each day that we have 70 degree weather after October 15th, I ponder how important it is to get outside for HOURS....knowing that we will soon want to spend a nature hour outside instead of unlimited hours.

We are gifted to live very near a state park (only 5 minutes away).  We visit the park often.  Sometimes just our family.  Sometimes I can encourage other homeschooling families to join us.

When baby boy was only four weeks old, I was ready to start our long hikes back up again.  I wear baby in a wrap or sling so he can join us on our trips.  When the weather gets cooler, I'll just wear the wrap under my coat.

Here's us setting out on an October hike.

Baby along for the ride and a little sun on the head.  (see what four weeks looks like?)

It became apparent that our trip was to be a "mushroom" trip.  Wow there were lots of kinds.  

And there always comes a part in our walk/run that we find a place to climb.

I pose those questions.  What do you see up?  What do you see down?  

What do you smell up? down?  Hear?  

We found that those trees without leaves are bare, but are not without excitement.  We spent quite a bit of time smelling (yes, smelling) the branches of different trees.  Nice!  Have you every broken a small tree branch and smelled it?  

Nurturing Mother-Daughter Relationships

My 12teen year old and I joined some other mothers and daughters to see an outdoor Shakespeare play.  We brought a picnic dinner and ate on the lawn in the shade of an ancient oak tree.  It was relaxing and nourishing.  It's good to take time out from regular life and do something new.

It was a first for my daughter to see a full length Shakespeare play.  We've been studying a play each year as part of our homeschooling.  "As You Like It" was one she had read several times.  

This same festival hosts play shorts for children which we have attended over the past summers. Those plays become more interactive and the children sit on the lawn.   

My daughter found it refreshing to dip her toes in the fountain.  It was hot-there has been quite a heat wave in the Central US.

Do you find nurturing mother-daughter relationships an enjoyable thing?

What one person gave up for Lent...

what they say

"I am NOT a midgit.   I'm just a little girl."

What I love about 12 year olds

She likes making things of beauty.  When its her turn for setting the table or arranging flowers, she's thought it through before she begins.  

She cares about her appearance and does self care. 

 (don't you love that snazzy braid?)

A 12 year old does a better job at keeping up with laundry than I ever did.  (I get so distracted by all the other things/people/projects calling my name)

A 12 year old still likes to be with her family!  (I hope this never changes!)

She cares for animals.  (Horses and dogs are her favorite).

She enjoys projects with her father.  Here they are doing leather work together as a gift for another family member.  She is also kind about asking to do new projects and patient when it takes me much time to get the items together for her.  

She enjoys her siblings.  And does much care for them.  I can trust her to do childcare for me when I need a break!

She's a devoted musician.  She practices everyday.  I never have to ask her.  It has become her own joy and makes her very proud of herself.  

What I love about 9 year olds

They still really enjoy playing.  This is "Fred" the giraffe who cheers people up. 

(and sometimes plays pranks)

A book read while waiting for your violin lesson doesn't care what position you are in.  

They love self care.  (see the beautiful outfit and hairdo?)

A 9 year old is constantly wiggling teeth.  And often willing to read aloud to a younger sibling.

The outdoors is enjoyed.  A first ski experience was a pleasant one this winter.  (can't we please go again?....God please send more snow)

She's artistic with the camera and computer.

A 9 year old can do childcare and enjoy it.

She's gaining confidence in speaking in front of crowds.  

Here she is giving a talk at 4H.  

She's friendly.  She doesn't know a stranger.  Give her 20 minutes with someone new and she's made them feel comfortable.  Here she is with an old friend that she doesn't get to see as much as she'd like.