At a recent homeschool conference I shared my families practice of doing an evening examination of conscience. I was explaining my understanding of dignity of personhood as shared by Charlotte Mason.
I specifically shared how I had cringed as a young mother when I observed another mother forcing her child to apologize for something they had done. The child, in my opinion, didn't understand the pain he had caused another child. His lashing out had been his way of communicating his own needs, not a conscious deviant behavior. Would you agree that every behavior a person has is a way of communicating? Either communicating a need or a want.
As I thought of how the mother responded and how the event became more tense, I saw the stress caused in the child and the rift between mother and child. I wanted the child to feel loved not despised, respected and cared for instead of hindered in their growth.
When we see squabbles between our children during the day, we might be tempted to force an apology right on the spot. We might think that our involvement creates the habit of better behaviors for life. But before an apology, the first step is to acknowledging that what we've chosen to do is wrong. Time gives opportunity to apologize and to make adjustments for the next time we approach the same experience. This might be an area in which a mother shows her "wise-passiveness" by not taking into her own hands the apology and the forgiveness on her own terms or own time.
Think with me about the last time you had a squabble with your spouse. (I hope you did it in front of your children so that they could see both the conflict and the resolution!) Did you find that in the exact moment that the argument finished you were ready to apologize? Or had the frontal lobe of your brain began to expand and the heat of the moment wouldn't give you a release of calming hormones? (Look up the amygdala response for yourself!)
I suspect many times you have needed moments, days, or even more time to begin to understand the calamity of your choice. Your partner may have needed to explain to you the severity of the pain you caused. And then later, often much later, you pick up the pieces of the brokenness you caused and found the strength to apologize.
When we look at the first principle of Charlotte Mason and apply this to the giving and receiving forgiveness, shouldn't we be treating the child as a person? How do we want to be treated when we wrong someone? Do we want them to bring a list of all of their hurts? Do we want them to go on explaining for paragraphs all the ways we have been wrong?
I think of those in authority over me. Specifically those government helpers. There have been times that a police man has forced me to apologize in his way for speeding (time to pay a ticket mother!), but most interpersonal relationships have needed some time and were never forced apologies. The forgiveness might have also taken some time to give and receive. Even a child knows when the apology is not heartfelt, but just a duty. I am much quicker to forgive when the apology comes from the depths of my contrite heart instead of an attitude of duty or shame of being caught.
I wanted to share with you the examination of conscience we do as a family during our family prayer and read aloud time in the evenings. We tend to have a 20-30 minute time of dad reading aloud to us all and then a 10-15 time of family prayer. We start our prayer time with lighting a specific candle decorated only for use at our prayer time. The examination of conscience becomes a starting point on our shared prayer time. You can find it here. Our family follows this with Compline. We use the Universalis website or the hand held Liturgy of the Hours. You are welcome to use your own traditions or borrow ours! (and don't forget to put out the candle!)
And you respect the personhood and dignity of each person in your household may your journey on this pilgrimage of life be full of blessings!