to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids.
So now that I've had nearly six months to mull over this book and do one complete book study with online friends, it's time to begin to share what I have been able to implement.
SIMPLIFY IT. But how to do it?
This book has been great to read, but more difficult to incoorporate according to my standards! The author does not claim my children will be all calm, all happy and all secure if I do what he suggests, but I would be pleased with just more calm, more happy and more secure! So trying little things is what I've done.
With the authors personal work with children in war torn areas, he saw the emotional struggles they were working through to look a lot like the children in North America that were being labeled with ADD and ADHD. He felt that many behavioral tendencies can be soothed or relaxed by creating calm in the child's environment. I began to look at our day of business and schooling to resemble a war torn area. There were days when I felt in the midst of war with the traveling and going and chores and lessons. It was easy for me to see that less in activities outside the home would mean more in calm for this family.
It was also God given at around the time I began to read this book, I was gifted with pregnancy nausea and fatigue. In years past, I might have powered through. But this time I took to heart the saying no to things that didn't bring calm into the family.
Emotional and Physical Fevers- the author (Kim John Payne) compared how we notice physical fevers in our children to how we should begin to notice emotional fevers in them. I agree that with my close proximity to my children home all day, I can quickly notice when they are not feeling well. They have those signs...vacant looks, slow to respond, not wanting to eat, crabby. And those are the times it is easy for my to say STOP. Let's rest awhile until you feel better.
I had never extrapolated this into their emotional status until I read this book. Payne encourages parents to look at emotional fevers the same way. When a chid is having inner turmoil that extends beyond a bad mood or brief snit, they deserve a STOP too. It is the out of character times, the posture that shows anger or frustration, the extroverted child that manifest unease directly or the introverted child that withdraws even more. I'm realizing that adolescence is sneaking up on one of my children and remembering the "feverish" state I felt during those years.
So what do I do to respond to a physical fever??
First I notice it,
then I give them time to feel better by being near to them but not overly close,
and I let the fever do it's thing. I don't try to force them to get well on my own time clock. This is what I want to do with their emotional fevers too (and with my husband and myself too!). I want to notice when they are feeling out of sorts, I want to suspend their normal responsibilities within the family, I want to keep them close so that they can be watched and cared for and give them lots of time to get back into the rhythm of life.
Payne suggests that making some changes in routine, rhythms and environment make the calm more clear. His idea of routines and rituals that are predictable make children feel safe. They can be who they need to be within that clear and safe/secure environment. They will still have their moods and their quirks. I appreciated his image of sleep needs and pressure valuves. (I blogged about that already) He encourages less tv (none before age 7), less toys, less lessons and activities and less knowledge of the adult world.
Other ideas for living simply